Guns, hunting, and stupidity…

GIF by Joel Telling via Flickr

(I apologize in advance for insinuating that you are stupid. Sometimes I’m just in one of those moods. But then again, some of the times I call you stupid, I really mean it. Oh, and PS. I have no clue what that “bozo” was all about.)

I haven’t blogged in a while so I thought I’d jump in with something controversial. GUNS! (da Da DA!) and HUNTING! (ooh)

I was going to start by saying this: I’m not against guns exactly; I’m against stupidity. And then I realized that probably all of my positions could be boiled down to being against stupidity–a truly viral infection among humans.

TL; DR version: Guns are bad and you’re stupid. Hunting is okay to a point, after that you’re stupid.

You want to know what I really think? I think that guns should absolutely be regulated. A person should have to take classes on using guns (think of the jobs that would create), take tests every so often, both written and practical, get a permit, etc. etc. You know, all of those things vocal Second Amendment Lovers are against.

Guns are, to put it succinctly, which isn’t my strong suit, deadly weapons.

<high pitched whiny shrieking> So are knives and pencils and, and, this spoon! I could kill you with this spoon right now! 

Except of course, if we stop to look at it rationally, guns are more deadly than any of those things. Guns are designed to kill and they kill much more efficiently than knives, bows ‘n arrows, swords, and even hand grenades because they’re more precise than hand grenades. I mean, you pull the pin and toss a grenade and people run and who knows what you’ll end up blowing up, right? A gun? You aim and you shoot and shoot and shoot. You hit people you weren’t even aiming at! Even cops make that mistake sometimes.

So, stop saying stupid stuff like that.

<pitiful, angry whining> Cars kill more people than guns. 

For crying out loud. Not on purpose. And you have to take a test and pay fees to drive a car, bozo.

There are crazy people in this country right now (like, out in the open!) saying that we would all be safer if we ALL had guns! These people are out of their minds. Look, I get it. Some of you reading right now aren’t stupid. (But, what are the chances, right?) But you have to know, being how smart you are and everything, that most of the people around you are not the sorts of people you want waving a gun around. Sure, making them take classes and tests might not solve the problem completely (look at some of the drivers on the road, amiright?) but it would go a long way to help. And that’s all we can expect with all this stupid running around.

But seriously, if you think that arming every citizen is a good idea…I just…the stupid is ripe with you, my friend.

My first point, then, is this–owning a gun does not make you safer. If you think it does, well, you’re wrong. There is no way in hell that owning a deadly weapon could, by any wild stretch of the imagination, which is basically what you’re using, make you safer. And it certainly makes your entire family decidedly less safe.

Some time back, at least where I live, wrought iron bars on your windows were all the rage. People thought they made them safer. Turns out the bars on your windows raised your chances of dying in a house fire significantly more than they kept you safe from burglars, rapists, and murderers. But the bars made people feel safe, so screw facts. (I think they’ve finally made the bars easier to get through from the inside, but as anyone who’s been in an overturned car filling with water will tell you, trying to get the latch undone in a panic sometimes leads to death.)

In the same way, owning a gun significantly increases your risk of being shot. Funny that. And not all of that risk can be linked to the fact that people who own guns tend to be more violent.

Does any of this mean you can’t own a gun? No. You can own guns if you want. (And I can see that owning a gun might be necessary in certain circumstances.) But because of their very nature, you ought to have to prove you know what you’re doing before you buy one. Oh, don’t worry. That’s never going to happen. Seriously, if that didn’t happen after a bunch of little kids were murdered in a classroom, it’s never going to happen. There are too many stupid, ignorant, crazy, immoral people in this country. So, pull your panties out of your butt.

Okay, so we’re clear on that. Guns are dangerous and if you want to own one, you should know what you’re doing. I think it’s really funny that people actually think they do know what they’re doing with guns. They have these grandiose, wild wild west scenarios in their heads where they respond to active shooter situations just like the trained professionals. In your dreams, buddy.

I don’t know about you people, but I would absolutely prefer to take my chances waiting for the pros than have you running around shooting. And when the professionals arrive, where does that put you? It would be funny if it weren’t so scary. I’ll laugh about it later, I suppose.

And I have to say, people who own guns and talk about them as if they are toys make me pretty sick. “Oh, yeah, I just got a new gun. You should see this beauty.” Please. This is the same mentality balding old men have concerning their cars. Grow up.

A lot of people want to own guns because they like to hunt. I’m okay with hunting to a certain degree. I mean, I get it. Venison is good. So if you want to go out and shoot a deer so you can have some, that’s okay by me. Rabbit, duck, whatever. And if you want to hang out with your hunting buddies and get chummy and hide behind bushes or whatnot and aim and shoot (like it’s an even match between you and the animal), yeah, go ahead. More power to you.

But when you cross that line from hunting because you want to eat some venison and you’d like to kill it yourself, over to hunting because you like to kill animals…yeah, well, that’s creepy. It’s human, I’ll give you that. But it’s still creepy.

And if you want to go to some preserve where all the animals are put inside a fence so you can pretend you’re a great hunter and shoot some, that’s just sad.

But worse, if you want to shoot an animal for no other reason than shooting and killing it, you’re vile. Big game hunter? What the fuck is your problem?

I applaud your resistance to the ethical evolution of the human animal–I really do. <clap…clap…clap>

Let me tell you, if I had to wring a chicken’s neck for dinner, I’d do it. If I had to hunt a rabbit or a deer to eat, I’d do it. If I lived on a farm and had to shoot the wolf going after my sheep, I’d do it. But I would do it with respect, because my first inclination on seeing a wild animal is little different from when I see a puppy.

What is wrong with you that you want to kill the puppy?

Pervert.

So, there you have it. As with pretty much everything else, I am a woman of nuance. I don’t like black-and-white thinking. And I don’t like stupid. But for some reason, I like to write about it.